Oh, Chute
by Twiddler83
Summary: When the Cullen Family get together for special events, nothing good ever comes of it. What happens when you throw in liquor, sweaters, and a touch of competitiveness? It's a disaster waiting to happen. BPOV – AH - Rated M – ExB


_**This was my entry into the Fact or Fiction Christmas Countdown. I hope you enjoy it! **_

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**Author**: Twiddler83

**Prereaders**: WitchyVampireGirl & CullensTwiMistress

**Beta**: PixieKat

**Summary**: When the Cullen Family get together for special events, nothing good ever comes of it. What happens when you throw in liquor, sweaters, and a touch of competitiveness? It's a disaster waiting to happen. BPOV – Rated M – ExB

**Disclaimer: **SM owns twilight … I just try to get them into sticky situations!

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**Oh, Chute**

"What started out as a cold and quiet Christmas Eve night, has turned into quite the event over here on the two hundred block of Twilight Lane, Bob. We received reports of a man stuck in chimney of his home earlier this evening and we decided follow-up on this story. What you are currently watching now is an attempted rescue that man who some are saying is Santa Claus. There were reports of a man in red making his way across the roof followed by a giant looking elf trailing behind him. No one has seen a sled or reindeer, so we are all beginning to wonder, Bob. Who is in that chimney? We will report back as soon as we hear something. Stay tuned …"

_**Five hours before...**_

"Yeah, baby … just a little more."

"Edward, hurry up." I grunt out. My legs are wrapped around him as we fuck inside our walk in closet.

Hey, when you have kids you have to be creative in where you do it. Curtains are always an option, the laundry room. Hell, even having sex in the minivan isn't entirely ruled out.

"You ... can't … hurry … perfection." He mirrors my noises as he keeps thrusting into me.

Pfft, I know a way to hurry up his so-called _perfection_.

I reach down and slide on hand in between us and start to rub myself like a boy scout trying to start a fire with two sticks. Feeling those flutters inside my pussy start to move, I know it's not going to take too long before he lets go either.

"Bella …" he slows down his movements, "... don't do that." He grits out between his teeth. I start to bounce myself up and down over him, trying to find that rhythm we had going.

"Don't do what?" I question him.

"Spinning your turntable, woman. You know what that does to me." His breath comes out in a rush.

Hello, I know. It's exactly my point.

"I can't help it." I squeeze my pussy to emphasize my point and it was like I spurred a horse while riding it. Edward's hips start thrusting into me harder and faster, and I have now actually pulled down a few shirts from their hangers.

"I can't stop." He grunts out as he's slamming into me over and over. "You're so wet, it's too much." He starts to slow down again and I can't have that.

"Give it to me. Are you gonna be nice?" I remove my hand from my clit and reach further down until my hand is cupping his balls. "Or do you wanna be naughty?" I whisper in his ear and squeeze gently and I feel his body tighten up as his thrusts become erratic.

"Fucking Christ, Bella. Pinch it. Pinch your pretty little clit like a lobster claw. Squeeze it like you're mad at it." He moans out and I feel his cock pulse inside me. I do as he says and it sends me into another orgasm as he keeps going, helping me ride the rollercoaster of fantastic-ness I'm currently riding on.

"Yes, Edward." I grit out quietly.

He slides down to the floor, taking me with him and I'm trapped. He's panting and his air is wheezing out of his lungs. His mouth is making a painful circle and his eyes look as if they are witnessing a horror film.

"Okay, can you know … lemme up?" I try to push him off me, but he falls even heavier.

"Why did you have to grab the jewels? I would've gone for longer than I did." He huffs out as he finally moves off my body to lay naked in the middle of our closet.

"Because, you dork, people are coming over tonight and we still have to get ready." I move to stand, but he grabs my wrist.

"You're gonna make it up to me right? After they all go home tonight … it will just be you and me. Kissing under a certain mistletoe." His eyebrows waggle. "You calling me drummer boy, begging me to bang the drum harder causing you to sing to the angels that you have heard on high as I make you come over and over and …"

"Yes, I'll let Santa slide down into my chimney. I'll let you eat all the cookies you wish and drink my 'milk'," I air quote with my fingers in front of me. "And then Santa can deliver the package."

"God, this is going to be the best Christmas ever. You know what? I'll make it special for you too. I'm gonna make sure I take off my socks." He jumps up and runs to the bathroom leaving me standing there with nothing on.

I'm super excited for this evening, but also a tad nervous.

I've been planning this for the past couple of months, and I think I'm about to drive Edward crazy with my plans and decorating. The house looks like something wintery exploded all over it.

But, there is also one factor that always comes into play with the Cullen boys, or rather, two of them.

_Competition_.

Tonight was our first official Cullen family dinner in our new home. Edward and I purchased our abode about five months ago and the first option I tossed out to everyone was to have Christmas Eve here - hoping to make it a tradition of sorts.

We outgrew our starter home fairly quickly when a few months after our wedding; we found out that I was pregnant. What we didn't expect, was the two heartbeats that came floating through the room on that first checkup. I was further along than I had thought I was in the first place. I guess when you have a mini period that last half a day, it could mean something but I thought nothing of it. That first ultrasound made our world tilt on its axis when those two little peas came into view and those two similar but strange heart beats came filtering through the room. So, seven months later, we were blessed with a little girl and a little boy - Darby Kate and Jackson.

When we brought them home, we immediately knew we would have to do something about our living situation. We had a "starter home" as some people like to call them. Two bedrooms, one bathroom and a finished basement, but it left no room for additions.

Three years later, that addition came in the form of another boy, named Landon.

So, here we are. Four years later, and celebrating our first of what I want to be many Christmas Eve's in our home.

"Bella, do I really have to wear a damn sweater vest? I feel like I should go all out with a full one. I mean, this turtle neck is a little eighties if you ask me, and I need to stand out. I'm sure …" I cut him off from his rant because I already know what is coming tonight. The whole family already prepares for this every time there is some sort of family gathering.

"It looks nice, honey. I think you should keep it on. It looks mighty festive." I try to hide my smirk from him as I smack his ass.

"I don't want it to look nice. I need it to look out of this world. I wonder if Emmett is wearing one of these." He says to me while brushing his hands down the front it as if it was magically going to make more crap appear.

"Pretty sure he is. You know there is a theme tonight. Ugly sweaters. This little game that you decided to play was your idea. It's the same thing every year. But, I think you might beat him at something this year." I shrug and go back to fixing my hair.

"Shit, how much uglier can we make this thing? Do we have any spare garland in the basement? What about extra battery operated lights? We could throw those on this and I could look like a walking Christmas display. Emmett wouldn't know what hit him." He nods as he leaves the room in search of more insane crap to add to the already ugly as hell Santa sweater.

I swear he's the best husband and father anyone could ever ask for. The only problem with him is that he takes things to the extreme.

He and his brother Emmett have this ritual of sorts. They always battle for who's the bigger, better, and stronger man. The women of the family find it dumb and we tell them to grow up all the time - to put on their big boy boxers and just enjoy life. The response we always get is a bunch of grunts and eye rolls telling us we don't understand because we don't have this thing called testosterone running through our veins. Well, I for one am very happy about that revelation. Then of course they continue to sit around complaining that we just don't get it, but in reality, we're embarrassed by it.

It's always the same story with those two. Emmett would call and say he's going to do this or that, and it never fails, Edward's right on his tail trailing along waiting to outdo his big brother. We had to get a bigger house, the finer cars … you name it, it's been done between those two. After we conceived, and everyone found out, it was now a competition on length of labor and whose wife could push it out the quickest. When Edward whipped out the stopwatch in the delivery room, I lost it. I almost choked him with the damn thing, but luckily the nurse saved his ass. But, it didn't stop there. It then went on to become a battle with of our children. Whose kid is taller? How much more developed one is compared to the others.

Some would say the correct statement would be that the both of them are "keeping up with the joneses" but I call it insane sibling rivalry on steroids.

Now, Jasper, the youngest sibling of the three is some sort of what you would call tree hugger slash hippie. A pipe smoking loving son of a gun and creates art. Probably out of tree limbs and colorful leaves. Come to think of it, I don't know exactly what Jasper does for a living. Wait … I don't think I have ever been to his house. Shit, it's probably a hut in the middle of the woods made of mud and wood. Leaves and grass making up the roof of the so-called structure. The more I think about it I decide it's probably a good thing.

I couldn't imagine the kids going to Uncle J's house and coming back unscathed. It would be a real life episode of Man vs. Wild up in that hut. He's a strange one. He prefers not to sit on furniture because he feels the need to stay connected to Mother Nature.

One time, I caught him by the Christmas tree whispering to it how sorry he was that mankind had cut her down out of her element and dressed her up to show her off. He cried as he buried his head in the limbs and claimed he was weeping for the innocence that we had stolen from our almighty mother.

I personally think he needs to lay off the ganja or freaking share.

Fixing my earrings and adjusting my dancing reindeer sweater, I make my way down the hallway checking on the kids playing in their room. Thankfully, they are already dressed and didn't put up much of a fight because they know what happens tonight. Santa is coming and both of them have been on their best behavior.

_Damn, can Santa come every day?_

Moving to Landon's room, I find him sleeping soundly in his crib. I gently close the door and smile, turning to make my way back into the kitchen. But, what I find at the end of the hallway has me stopping in my tracks.

There stands Edward, with garland wrapped around his neck like a scarf wrestling with some battery-powered Christmas lights. I immediately know where they come from and I start stomping down the hallway.

"Did you take these off the mantle? Please tell me you didn't." I look passed him toward the mantle and I don't find it shining brightly anymore.

God, damn it. I had a theme!

"This is important." He huffs out. "Help me stick these through the holes of this monstrosity some people call fashionable clothing."

"Why do you need lights? Your outfit was fantastic the way it was. Your Urkel Style slacks matching your ho, ho, ho design sweater. What more do you want, Edward? I have to get back into the kitchen and finish putting the final …" My rant is halted by the ringing of the doorbell.

I hear Emmett on the other side yelling at his kids to leave his icicles alone. I peek through the peephole to see the family standing there.

Jesus, did they all arrive together? Everyone racing to get here?

Emmett is covered in silver tinsel looking like a bunch of melted disco balls. I try to see the others, to get an assessment for Edward because I know he'll ask, but Emmett moves to block my view. I quickly turn around to find Edward shoving those lights into his sweater quickly, silently asking me who was at the door.

I tell him with my hands to hurry the hell up and he takes that as his warning that Emmett is standing on the other side of the door.

"Bella, open the door. I know you're standing there. I know you're sizing my tinseled ass up for your man. That's just wrong by the way." Emmett yells through the door and I hear his kids laugh.

"You ready?" I ask him and he gives me a simple nod, quickly picking up his eggnog smiling like a cheesy bastard he is.

I reach down and open the door. "Emmett, Rosalie, welcome. Same to you Junior and Allie, Merry Christmas." I kiss them all on the cheek and turn to greet the others shuffling in the door behind them.

"Edward Sr. and Eliza, welcome." I give them both a quick hugs, "Merry Christmas."

"Bella, Christmas is not until tomorrow." Eliza passes by me. She smells like a liquor store. I guess she pre-gamed for this evening and started without any of us girls. She's really not a drinker, but when we all get together, she's a one-woman bar. Ed runs along to stand with the guys.

"I know that, but we're all …" I'm cut off when she hands me an airplane bottle full of something clear.

"It's vodka. Drink it. Love it. You're freaking going to need it. You should've heard the shit they were talking about on the way over here." She pulls out a flask from her purse and twists off the top and taking a quick drink. "It's going to be the longest Christmas Eve of our lives."

"I don't think it'll be that bad." I turn to watch the guys huddle together, but it seems like one of the boys is missing.

"Where's Jasper. I thought I saw him outside."

Rose laughs while Eliza rolls her eyes. "Again, like I said. Longest Eve in the history of all Eves. He saw your real Christmas tree through the window and he instantly dropped into fetal position on your front lawn. He's worried for some reason."

I turn to look at the door when it flies open and there stands Jasper, snow covered, his eyes rimmed red.

"Why, Bella? Why must you torture the mother this way?" He has a look of fury, but yet he wipes his nose on his tree sweater.

Yep, the man has a thing for trees.

"It's just a tree, Jasper. Please come inside. It's cold out there." I move to help him inside, but he steps back.

"But Bella, they are going to take her and chop her into mulch." He whimpers and takes a deep breath. "You pulled that gorgeous creature out of her habitat. Leaving poor defenseless animals without shelter out in the elements. I thought you were more caring than that. I thought we discussed this the last time I was here when you replaced the carpet with hardwood floors." He shakes his head.

"Well, Jasper … carpet is made of wool. It comes from sheep." Shaking my head at this argument we are currently having. "And of course, other fibers, but it's wool none the less."

"Wool grows back, Bella."

"So do trees." I shoot back at him.

"Just … you … I have no words. Let me go at my own pace." He holds his hands out as he steps over the threshold and I hold up my own as if I'm surrendering.

"Just shut the door when you make it inside."

He just nods at me and I turn around to get started on tonight's festivities.

"Merry Christmas to you, Bella. It wouldn't be a Cullen Christmas Eve without a little crazy, liquor or competition would it." Rose kisses my cheek and we stand there looking at our men. The fathers of our children. The rulers of their domains. We turn to look at one another and start to giggle.

Emmett, wearing a wig, shaking back and forth as he speaks, is standing toe to toe with Edward, who has antlers on and a garland scarf wrapped around his neck. But, the best part, Edward is twinkling as he tries to look serious and his shit is reflecting off of Emmett's shirt. It's like prom all over again. Lights dancing off one another, shining in the dim – darkened night. Ed is standing there looking like he's King Tut with his stupid snowman nose poking between the guys.

"You need any help in the kitchen? You know … to get away from the testosterone fest that is brewing over there. Plus, I need a glass of something alcoholic to catch up to Eliza and I guess my kids have run off to find yours." She points and now both men look like they're both suffocating with envy of one another.

"Uh … I think it's best if we do … you know - get away from that."

As we pass by them, I hear the word blue balls getting thrown out in reference to squeezing the holiday spirit out of them. Then there is bickering back and forth and I for one am looking forward to that lovely wine I have chilling in the cooler.

"Wine?" I turn around and offer it to Rose and she shakes her head.

"Give me the strong stuff. I need to catch up to Eliza. I think she has the right idea." I nod and move toward the liquor cabinet and start to make her a stiffy and I think, _what the hell_. I make the same for myself.

"I think you're right." We step out of the kitchen and I find Eliza over by the fireplace, sitting there tipping back her flask. My eyes meet hers and I raise my glass in the air and she rolls her eyes and takes another drink quickly. She looks over at the guys and waves her hands around in a fury.

"You men are stupid. I can't believe I gave birth to the two of you. What's worse, is I married you … you … you made them this way." She looks over at them and then looks toward Jasper as he lies under the Christmas tree. "I don't know who the hell made that one though." Her eyes don't leave his body as her jaw drops. "He's gotta be from your side, Ed."

The guys then turn to their mother and stand there slack-jawed and then the yelling resumes and I turn to Rose.

"You know, Emmett's just mad because he doesn't get to be Christmas Eve Santa this year. It's sort of his thing and he hates to lose. So, he feels like he needs to give people shit." She shakes her head and I laugh.

"I understand, but I wanted tonight to be great, because it's our first time hosting. I can tell that's not going to happen." I shrug and watch the three men go at it. "I gotta set the table and put the finishing touches on dinner. You wanna help?" I turn to Rose and she nods as we start the task.

I just wish this could be a quiet and nice affair. But, as it looks like the _WWF_ _Royal Rumble_ is about to commence in the middle of my living room.

I sigh as I set the dishes out on the table and make my way back to the kitchen.

I round the corner and I'm met by Rose, "I wonder if it's too obnoxious to get the hose out?" I follow her gaze to the men who are still arguing, and now the kids have joined in running around them like a herd of cattle in a corral, Eliza is glaring at them, and Jasper is now petting our Christmas tree and crying.

"Are we the only damn sane ones in this room?" I ask her as we finish up setting the table. When I look at her, she's chugging her liquor and cringing.

"First, I need more of this." She rattles the ice cubes in her now empty glass. "Second, no. We are just as insane because we married those two fools. And third, we're getting drunk on Christmas Eve."

"Everyone, dinner is served." I yell out, but nobody listens to me.

'Hello!" My voice gets a little louder, but it seems that they do the same.

I turn around and grab a spatula, marching through the archway and into the living room.

"Boys!" I start hitting them with it and they stop arguing with one another and turn to me.

"What, Bella? We're having a man to man talk. You don't understand how this works, so …" I cut off Emmett with my own rant.

"Oh, Emmett. I know how this works. You and Edward fight until a fist fight nearly breaks out. We'll hear you yell and scream at and about each other. We also get to then listen to you belittle each other while you try to one up each other. Then after is all said and done, we'll get to hear what rock stars you both are." I take a breath and start again. "I mean, hell, you guys can't even shit in the same house without one of you measuring the damn thing to see whose is bigger. But, there is one thing that I do understand. You're gonna march your competitive asses into that dining room. You're gonna sit down and enjoy the food that I have prepared tonight. Our children are going to enjoy themselves and behave and you both are going to leave the 'I'm better than you attitudes' right here. So …" I smack Edward's arm for emphasis. "Get your asses in there."

Family Dinner.

What one would assume is a festive affair, sitting around eating, drinking, telling stories and all that jibber jabber, which is not the case with us.

Emmett was apparently still upset that he's not the star of the show tonight. Yes, Rose confirmed that already, but I guess he needed everyone to know how he felt. Edward wasn't making things better by rubbing it in, either. Eliza was drooling in her mashed potatoes as she took a nap from over intoxication. Unfortunately, her nose was whistling a tune because some of those said side items had made their way up her nose and when she exhaled, there's a jazzy little tune for our dinner music. I guess Edward didn't appreciate it because he started pouting like a baby saying that he always got to play the Christmas music for the evening. That it was tradition and it shouldn't change. So, when he came back with his _keytar_, I just about lost my shit. It was like a bad eighties video with him dancing around, tickling the ivories and sang to his heart's content.

"Edward … brother. Would you happen to know Kumbaya? I just love the serenity of that song. It makes me feel at peace and my heart beats to a different harmony." He closes his eyes and drifts off into his merry little land while we are all stare at him.

Eliza starts coughing and points her mashed potato covered fork at Ed. "Your side. He came directly from those DNA genes that you got cooking in those chinos." She takes her bite and he takes a drink of his wine.

"Well … what about your crazy sister? Or how about your mother? Don't even get me started on her shenanigans." He reaches over to grab the stuffing and she starts laughing.

"Oh, so you're gonna put that … "she points to the loon, "… in the same category as my mother and sister? The nerve." She shakes her head and chugs her drink down.

The jabs are flying fast and furious; it's like the U.S. Open here at home.

I look over at Edward, and he's like Amelia Earhart with his Christmas garland scarf thrown over one shoulder as he stuffs his face with all the fixings. Emmett is looking at Edward's plate pacing himself with him. I guess this is the County Fair eating contest and I was not informed.

Rose taps me on the shoulder and I turn to look at her bored face. "Where are your parents? Aren't they usually around for the holidays?"

"They're on a cruise." I shrug. "I forget where though. My mother said my father was having this 'Christmas with the Kranks' epiphany, so she went along with it."

"Lucky asses. I wish I was at a beach right now instead of being stuck dealing with this shit." Her fork points to everyone except the little guys.

Now, as I look across the table, I try to smile because I know my children are going to be so excited to see Santa in our living room very shortly.

Before too long, the desserts are served and coffee is brewing while the kids are bouncing around the Christmas tree like a bunch of wild banshees. Jasper is rocking back and forth next to it murmuring "please be gentle. Please be gentle."

I should just give him the damn thing for Christmas.

Glancing down at my watch, I now notice that Edward left to go change a little over an hour ago. I stand, smiling as I make my way to the front door and peek through it looking for him. I drop back down on my feet and then rise up again scanning the yard. I wish that I could look out the front window, but the kids are observant tonight and I don't want them rushing up to the window and peeking outside if Edward isn't fully ready.

Turning around, I notice that Emmett isn't sitting at the table either.

Of course he followed my husband. You certainly wouldn't think he would let him have all the glory tonight.

I glance at Rose and subtly beckon her with my hand to follow me and I move to stand out of earshot of everyone.

"Where's Emmett?"

She hiccups and removes some chocolate from the corner of my mouth. "How am I supposed to know where that overgrown child is?" She shrugs and takes another drink.

I place my hand on the mantel trying to figure out what to do next; I hear something from inside the wall.

"Rose, do you hear that?" I ask her.

"Fuck yeah I do. It's peace and quiet, woman. _Shhh_ … don't ruin it. I know it won't last for long as soon as Edward walks in those doors." She starts humming Silent Night and I find my slightly tipsy self-swaying to the tune.

I turn to find Eliza pouring herself some coffee, of course she's also adding some Bailey's to it. I swear that woman is a lush. Ed is standing behind her whispering in her ear and I hear the woman giggle. I cringe at the thought of them saying sexual shit to one another because it would just be … oh God.

"Oh, you want me to pop your cork later, Ed?" I hear her whisper yell to him and my mouth drops open.

"Yeah, Eliza. I want you to shake me up and then pop that top baby. I want to spray my deliciousness all over you."

So much for not thinking about … that. I'm never drinking champagne again.

I start to walk away from the sexual innuendos when I hear a noise again.

"Seriously, Rose. It's coming from …" My words stop when I notice shit falling from the fireplace.

"What the fuck?" I say out loud and Rose snorts.

"I know right? I mean could they be a little quieter in there because I really don't give two shits and a donkey kick about Eliza poppin' someone's head off and making it rain like fireworks on the Fourth of July. Nasty asses."

"No, you dumbass. Listen." Her eyes are wide when she hears the muffled voice. More shit falls into the opening.

I kneel and rest my knees on the hearth and try to peer up the chimney, but a shoe pops out. A black fucking boot. Upon further inspection, it's one of those vinyl coverings to make it look like a shiny boot.

"Oh my God, Bella. What the fuck is that? Holy shit! Am I that drunk? No, I've only had …" she starts counting off the drinks she's had on her fingers, but loses count and starts all over again.

"It's a damn shoe, Rose. What do you think it is? It sure as hell isn't a damn squirrel." I shake my head at her and stand up.

I rest my ear next to the chute and that's when I hear it.

_My name._

_From inside the flue._

_Yelling for help._

_From my damn husband._

I drop down to my knees again and I glance up but I see nothing except a boot and a bit of a red velvet covered leg.

"Edward," I yell and I see the boot wiggle.

"Fuck, Bella! Yes! You need to get me outta here!"

"What the hell are you doing? Is this some kind of joke?" I start to laugh, but then sober up quickly when he screams.

"Fuck no!" He screams and I suddenly hear Emmett's voice yell out and then laugh.

Edward counters, "Yeah, well the one fucking time I could beat your ass, I'm stuck in a crevice of elfin proportions. You would be here if your lard ass would've fit through the opening up there."

"You're a loser and will always be a loser." Emmett's yelling and laughing now and I'm still trying to figure out why my husband is sticking halfway out of my fireplace.

"Edward, what the hell are you doing in there? I'm not going to ask again."

"Well, I thought I'd surprise the little ones by coming down the chimney, but I seem to be a tad stuck."

"Stuck is an understatement." I snort.

"This isn't funny."

"The hell it isn't." I start to laugh again only this time I remember what we talked about earlier before the festivities started.

"What the crap, Bella. I thought we were a team. There isn't no 'I' in our team." He moans out as a few more pieces of soot fall.

"Bull shit. The 'I' is stuck between the A hole." I start to laugh at myself.

"Bella, shut the hell up."

His misery makes me laugh harder.

"Well … when I said earlier I'd let Santa slide down in my chimney … this wasn't the one I was talking about. Your Rudolph radar seems to be off kilter there, Santa." I laugh again and I can tell he's trying to kick me.

"Stop it. You're making the space in here a lot smaller if you know what I mean."

"No sleigh ride for you, jolly Saint Nick."

"You're … just get me the hell out of here so you can play with my sack later tonight and I'll let you have whatever you want out of it."

"I need to call the Fire Department. I mean, there is no way you can get out now." I shake my head at the thought of what they're going to have to do to get him out of our chimney.

"Bella, is Edward seriously stuck in that thing?"

"That would be correct."

"The hole just needs to be bigger, Bella." I hear Edward's voice fill the cramped little space.

"Said no man ever." Rose cackles and bends over to rest her hands on her knees.

"Shut the hell up, Rose. It's your husband's fault I'm in this predicament."

"He's your damn brother, you idiot. If you all didn't constantly compete with each other all the time, you wouldn't be stuck in a damn chimney." She chides him.

I tune out their banter and dial the emergency line and I look up at Rose when it starts to ring.

I hear the voice come over and ask what the emergency is.

"Sweet mother of Jesus, we get to see hot ass firemen on Christmas Eve? This is the best gift ever. Thanks Edward for being stupid." She throws her hands up in the air and dances around in a circle. "I love big hoses that spray me."

I shake my head at her but I can't help but laugh because it's true. There is just something about a man who uses an axe and knows how to work a hose.

As I explain to the dispatcher, I see Rose on her phone talking frantically to someone and laughing like a mad woman.

Eliza has now taken off Edward's boot and is tickling his foot, giggling and snorting. My husband is grunting and shouting at his mother to stop it and that she's making it worse.

The kids are now standing around the fireplace pointing at the naked foot; their eyes full of wonder at what's to come of this said person in the chute. But then when it all clicks they stare at one another and then chaos erupts all around. They start yelling at Grandma to stop tickling Santa or he won't be able to deliver their gifts. Then, they start bickering about whose gift was so big that caused that jolly old fat man to get stuck and not able to complete his task.

I finally end the phone call and it feels like forever, but probably only ten minutes before the street fills with flashing lights; horns and sirens filling the empty night sky.

When I step outside to greet them, they rush past me at a frantic pace to the fireplace and that's when I notice Jasper guarding the tree. He's talking to it over his shoulder with tears in his eyes. I blow the hair out of my face while I watch the firemen take the assessment from inside and before too long, they go rushing back outside and I see a ladder start to make its way up to the roof of our two-story home.

Stepping out onto the lawn, snow up to my shins, I stand there in amazement watching those men work that ladder. But I'm pulled out of my musing by Ed standing behind me yodeling the Mountain Climber song from The Price Is Right.

Edward's mother comes to stand next to me laughing as she hands me my wine glass. "I told you. This is definitely going to be one for the record books." She graciously sips her drink while dancing to Ed's yodeling skills.

I'm about to tell her this is stupid, when a microphone gets shoved in my face and I look at the news lady that I watch every evening. Ms. Maggie O'Brien.

"Mrs. Cullen, could you please tell us what happened this evening? We have reports that a possible Santa Claus is stuck in your chimney and is unable to remove himself. Do you have any idea who it could be?" The microphone is thrusted back at me and I lean back against the intrusion.

Eliza cuts in and answers it for me. "That, my friends, is my son. My idiot son who thought it would be awesome to slide down the chimney like a loon." She shakes her head and laughs. "But, I got to play 'This Little Piggie Went to the Market' with his grown up toes. That's something I haven't done in forever." She snorts and takes another drink.

Ed is now pacing behind us shouting like a vendor at a circus. "Get your popcorn. Hot peanuts." He starts laughing at himself. "You better be glad you didn't like a fire, Bella. Edward would be having some hot peanuts if you know what I'm saying."

"And any word from you … I take it you're his wife?" I just stand there nodding and my gaze turns towards the chimney when I hear yells and voices from living room of my home.

"He's a competitive dork who does these things all the time. It's nothing new really." I shrug as I glance over to see a drunk as hell Rose making snow angels in my front yard. I start laughing at the scene around me. I turn back to Maggie and stare at her as she walks across my yard, speaking to the camera.

But, when the firemen start pulling my husband up from the chimney all hell breaks loose.

Jasper comes busting out of my house with my Christmas tree yelling, "Save the trees and give the nature mother a chance to save your souls." He takes off down the road; the tree thrown over his shoulder. Ornaments are falling off, the strand of lights are dragging behind him like toilet paper stuck to your shoe when you leave public restrooms.

"You're a real life Grinch Jasper Cullen." I yell out at him, but much to my dismay, there is a girl that's skipping behind him.

"Oh, isn't that fantastic." I throw my hands up in the air. "It looks like you found your very own Cindy Lou Who," I shout out.

She follows him around the corner and I intend to chase after them to get our tree back, but I stop dead in my tracks when I hear someone screaming.

I turn toward the voices and screams and that's when I see it.

My husband, covered in black soot, hanging from a rope. But that's not the worst part.

I guess from the upward pull, he's lost his pants in the extraction.

So, there's my husband, showing his twig and berries to the world as he looks like a fish that's being weighed at the market. He's screaming and crying. Emmett is laughing from down below and Eliza is clapping and dancing around while Ed twirls her around in the snow.

Upon further inspection to make sure my husband is all in one piece, I notice something tied around his cock … it's that damn mistletoe.

Just as I'm about to say something, Rose comes running over; wet from the snow. "Holy shit, Bella. His cock is huge. Edward is definitely bigger than Emmett in that department if you know what I'm saying. And it looks like you were going to kiss something under that mistletoe he has tied around his schlong dong." She nudges my shoulder, but I see right away that something's a little fucked up.

"It's not normally that big. Rose. Maybe, half the size?" I say more as a question than a statement.

His dick is an angry red color, swollen and looks like it's swollen about to explode.

"Oh God! Mistletoe is poisonous. He's … oh my God! The damn thing is going to fall off!" I start screeching at the top of my lungs at the paramedics to save his penis.

Just then the kids start screaming and crying about Santa not being real and I look around and parents have covered their children's eyes; rushing them back into their homes. My children are basket cases and I'm about to become one myself if those damn EMT's don't save his dick.

My screams melt down until they're a whimper. My voice comes out hoarse as I yell, "God save the peen." I continue to chant over and over, while staring at the medics as they rush over to Edward. When Maggie comes to stand beside me with a smug smile as the cameraman takes his place.

The camera is pointed right as us, and I don't even pay attention to what she is saying.

That night, I get a glimpse of what I missed as we watch it on the late night news.

_"After a quite eventful night on this sleepy little street, we were greeted in more ways than one. The supposed Santa that was rescued from the chute was in fact, the owner of the home. He apparently tried to surprise his family by 'dropping in' unannounced. But, it didn't work out quite the way he wanted it to. He was just rescued by the strong men of the fire department. The man stuck, Edward Cullen, was only the top half of a Santa suit which led to him flashing us his sleigh and jingle bells that didn't need to be viewed by the naked eye. The earlier report of this man being Santa is null and void. He is not the real Santa. This is Maggie O'Brien signing off. Good night and Merry Christmas!"_

* * *

_**Thanks for reading! Merry Christmas!**_


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